So, my second invitation to you is: allow yourself to unclench and relax your body when you are having sex with your partner. To learn how to relax those very ingrained and subconscious tension patterns, so that your genitals and your whole body can enjoy more relaxed arousal, you must first become aware of where the tension is stored, when it creeps in and what it feels like. So, here’s a practice to do on your own when you’re masturbating… Every 60 seconds or so, take a ‘scan’ through your body from head to toe and just notice what is going on – no ‘judgement’ or labelling parts or sensations as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – just observing and feeling. The areas to be most curious about are the jaw, the diaphragm (the space at the the base of the ribs), the lower belly, the butt cheeks, and the thighs. As you scan your awareness through your body be curious about whether those areas are kind of bracing, holding or contracting, or can you relax them? Can you let them go? The more that you bring awareness to those unconscious tightenings and tension-ings, and the more that you can then start to learn how to interrupt them, the more that you will allow your body to move away from the tension-based approach to sex and arousal. Over time, and with practice, this will allow your body to open up a little bit more into a space of relaxation and softness.