The startle response
and its impact on your pleasure
How this ancient mind-body reaction is affecting your sex life
As humans, we are a pretty advanced species: the elevation of our consciousness has undoubtedly set us far ahead of any other in the animal kingdom. But we are also still animals, and much of our unconscious programming is being driven by circuits in our brains that have existed for millions of years. We may look like a Tesla on the outside, but the engine under the hood is – in many aspects of our existence – still basically a horse and cart. One of the most primal protective programmes running in our body and mind is known as the ‘startle response’. Thomas Hanna, the founder of the field of Somatics, wrote in his book of the same title “For many decades neurobiologists have been fascinated with this human reflex, because it occurs throughout the entire animal kingdom. It is sometimes referred to as the ‘startle response’; at other times it is referred to as the ‘escape response’ because it aids the animal in avoiding or evading a threat. It is a primitive reflex of survival.” You may not even be aware of this deeply wired response to danger, but it’s likely it’s contributing to your difficulty in enjoying sex, intimacy and pleasure.
What is the startle response?
The startle response is fast, involuntary, and, crucially, it’s not under your conscious control. It’s a reaction to perceived threat – whether that’s a loud noise, a seagull trying to steal your chips, or even just a subtle sense of danger – this reflex bypasses higher brain functions and jolts the body into immediate contraction and withdrawal. Think about what happens if you hear a car backfire: your jaw clenches, your head dives forward and your shoulders hunch up, your belly tightens to pull you slightly into a foetal position, and (you may not realise this one) your arsehole contracts. This mechanism is vital for survival in short bursts, but modern life – full of chronic stress, unresolved trauma, and sedentary habits – can leave many people stuck in this protective mode. When this happens, the body becomes less available for experiences of safety, connection, and pleasure. This becomes painfully obvious in the realm of sexual function and enjoyment. A lot of the work I do in bodywork sessions is around helping people to unlock this pattern in their body so they can feel more relaxed and enjoy touch and intimacy more fully.
The biology of the startle response
At its core, the startle or escape response is a full-body muscular contraction conducted through fast-acting nerve fibres that prepare your body to flee or freeze. In humans, this often shows up as a tightening of the jaw, neck, shoulders, diaphragm and pelvic floor. It’s a protective shell, an unconscious armouring that readies the body for impact or escape. There is a built in process of release on the other side – when a threat has passed – which you see happening often in the animal kingdom: they clear out the energy that is held in preparation when the body contracts by shaking, running, or crying. But us humans tend to suppress the ‘release’ phase of the response. We override it with social etiquette, muscle tension, or habitual numbing (think food, drugs, scrolling etc). For more on this I highly recommend checking out Trauma Release Exercises, a process developed by Dr David Bercelli, which facilitate this very natural shaking mechanism in the body in order to release stored physical tension and emotional stress; restoring balance and well-being.
Why does the startle response happen?
As I’ve mentioned, this response is a totally natural and necessary part of our DNA, however it can get hijacked by things like;
- early trauma – such as growing up in an environment of unpredictability, neglect, or emotional deprivation;
- chronic stress – the constant load of work, uncertain finances, addiction, and the overwhelming amount of stimulation in our modern lives;
- sedentary habits – our levels of inactivity, poor posture, screen time and hyper focus all hard wire the brain to a feeling of baseline ‘danger’
The body learns that vigilance is necessary, that relaxation is unsafe. Many of use are walking around in a state of almost constant contraction and tightness, restricted breathing and less than optimal cardiovascular health. We rarely make time to intentionally allow this reflex to unwind: we don’t have much nurturing, calming touch in our lives; we don’t move freely to clear out the stored energy and tension (traditional ‘exercise’ doesn’t really count here as it’s usually very linear, goal oriented and ramps the nervous system up instead of down). When we operate under this almost constant low hum of anxiety or urgency the sympathetic nervous system – which controls the fight-flight-freeze response – becomes dominant. In this state blood flow is redirected away from the vital organs and genitals and toward the muscles and limbs; digestion slows, and subtle sensations – especially pleasurable ones – fade into the background. Over time, this results in what Thomas Hanna called sensory-motor amnesia: a state in which parts of the body become so habituated to tension that we no longer perceive them clearly. Our own bodies become vague, dim, or numb. When it comes to sex and intimacy, this presents significant challenges. How can we feel erotic pleasure when we can’t even feel our own pelvis in a resting state? How can we deeply surrender to connection and intimacy when our nervous system is locked in ‘red alert’ mode?
How does this all relate to your sexual experience?
A lot of aspects of sex – especially arousal, lubrication, erection, and orgasm – are run by the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system. This is the ‘rest and digest’ side of things. When we’re relaxed, receptive, and present, blood flow increases to the genitals, sensations are more intense, and oxytocin and dopamine are released. But the parasympathetic system cannot take the wheel while the startle response is still active. For many people, going into a sexual or intimate encounter triggers echoes of old trauma, especially if the body is carrying unresolved fear. So if you’ve had difficult sexual experiences in the past your body logs that as the default: if you came too early once you’re then fearful it will happen again; if you experiences pain during penetration you’ll be anticipating pain with each subsequent experience; if sex was non-consensual in the past even gentle touch can activate your protective reflexes when the nervous system has not re-learned safety. All these examples, and more, cause the physical tension cascade of the startle reflex and keep the body and mind locked in an unrelaxed state. Over time this can lead to loss of desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, premature ejaculation, or a sense of numbness or dissociation during sex. The tragedy here is not just physical – it’s relational. When our bodies are stuck in a startle loop, we lose the capacity for deep connection, for vulnerability, and for erotic spontaneity. We relate to our lovers from a defended place, unable to fully feel or be felt.
Re-patterning the reflex: a somatic path to pleasure
The good news is that the startle reflex is not a life sentence. It is a learned and reinforced pattern, therefore it can also be unlearned. Somatic practices – such as Thomas Hanna’s Somatics, TRE, breathwork, trauma-informed intimate touch sessions, and slow conscious movement – offer powerful tools to release chronic tension and dissolve the ‘sensory motor amnesia’ – meaning you can start to inhabit your body more fully. Starting with awareness of the patterns, getting curious about the places in your body that might be perpetually clenched or tight, and then regularly interrupting those patterns through breath, touch and movement can restore communication between brain and body, re-establish safety, and re-pattern your body’s baseline state. Breath is especially potent. Deep, diaphragmatic breathing activates the vagus nerve, a key conduit for parasympathetic tone. As we breathe fully and slowly, the body receives a signal: You are safe now. You can soften. Similarly, practices that cultivate interoception – our ability to feel what’s happening inside the body – help reconnect us with the subtle waves of pleasure that may have long been blanked out. In the context of sexual healing, this means slowing down. It means cultivating trust, learning to inhabit the body with curiosity instead of judgment, and gradually inviting sensation in, layer by layer. In my decade of working with clients I’ve seen that this re-patterning needs to happen outside of actual penetrative sex, as well as during it. Intimate bodywork sessions offer a space outside of the complexity of a sexual relationship to experience touch that simply says: I’m here. I’m listening. Nothing is expected of you. Over time, this approach can rebuild not only erotic capacity, but also a deeper sense of ease and joy in your body and your self.
Moving beyond the startle response
The startle response is a brilliant survival mechanism – but it was never meant to be our default setting. When trauma, stress, and disembodiment trap us in its grip, we pay a steep price in pleasure, intimacy, and connection. Thankfully though, our brains and bodies are capable of change. By becoming aware of these deep reflexes and how they show up in our bodies we can work to gently release them and open up to a way more relaxed and enjoyable experience of sex and pleasure. If you’re interested in learning more, or experiencing a bodywork session that incorporates the somatic approach then drop me an email to make your booking.
With Love,
Libby
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