A prospective client recently wrote to me with a great question: ‘I’m a little confused, please could you explain how a massage session with you will help me overcome premature ejaculation?’
During in-person bodywork sessions we have the option to include intimate genital massage. There are a number of ways that a session, or series of sessions, can support you in having more choice around your ejaculatory response…
You get to experience deep bodily relaxation. Relaxation is the key to more choice around ejaculation. In my experience, most clients who believe they have a problem when it comes to PE actually have a problem with knowing how to relax, how to notice and pay attention to bodily sensations, and how to slow down. These things are much more fundamental, but because difficulty with them is considered so ‘normal,’ people often don’t notice them until sex is involved – so they just assume it’s a problem with sex. Far more often it’s a challenge with the basic skill of intentionally accessing relaxation. By giving your body an imprint or ‘memory’ of this relaxation, in the same setting that you are naked and being touched, you will be more able to access that state during partnered and solo sex outside of a session.
During the session you are not just ‘being done to’. I introduce simple ways that you can use your breath, gentle body movements and body awareness to help you access this deep relaxation, and regulate your arousal levels. You get to practice these and try these out in the session setting – you are actively engaged in the experience your body is having, not just lying there passively.
The setting of a bodywork session removes performance pressure – there’s no reciprocal touch, I don’t need or want anything from you and there are no expectations. The style of touch I use on your genitals is intended to help you relax and tune in to sensation, rather than achieve any kind of result (i.e. I’m not trying to make you hard and I’m not trying to make you cum, I’m simply bringing your attention into your body through touch). Again, creating an imprint of this relaxed arousal during a session will allow you to access it again more readily with a partner or during masturbation.
We can work specifically on physical tension patterns in the pelvis, abdomen, diaphragm and other areas of the body which often contribute to premature ejaculation. The same way that regular massage can improve athletic performance by reducing muscular tension.
We sometimes work with emotional release – this means you might experience tears, laughter, frustration, and other emotional responses during a session. The nature of the session means that you are welcomed to express these emotions rather than suppress them. Suppressing emotion leads to physical tension patterns, which creates impediments to sexual energy being able to move freely through your body i.e. the learned response becomes ejecting energy through ejaculation. I have worked with clients whose PE has improved exponentially simply through the experience of expressing and releasing old anxiety, sadness and grief.
A physical massage session is an opportunity to put into practice the skills that you’ve been building in your mindful masturbation. If your PE is situational (i.e. only happens with a partner) there’s a limit to the change you can create by just doing things alone. Receiving intimate touch in the playground of a session can mimic the dynamic of being with a partner without the associated emotional or romantic entanglements (see my previous point about no reciprocal touch).
Ultimately one massage session will not ‘fix’ your PE. Undoing a lifetime’s worth of habitual and learned responses takes awareness, time and conscious practice. Just as seeing a personal trainer once a week and never exercising in between will not lead to much increase in fitness, having 3 or so bodywork sessions and changing nothing about your masturbation or sexual habits will not bring you noticeable changes in your ejaculation response. Tense, contracted, short, hurried masturbation experiences that are dependent on visual stimulus, do not celebrate relaxation and always have the goal of ejaculation will result in tense, contracted, short and hurried interactions with a partner.
If you are struggling with premature ejaculation and want to address the fundamental aspects that are contributing to it then you are welcome to book a bodywork session – please email email@example.com. If you want to know more about mindful masturbation you can check out the tips on my YouTube channel or join my Sensual Sundays classes (starting 30th May in 6 week blocks).