Mutual masturbation

your essential guide

Masturbation is a solo experience for many people, but mutual masturbation (where you’re both pleasuring yourselves in the same room, or on camera, or over the phone) can be also be an amazing experience and it has a lot of benefits! Sharing a masturbation session with a partner can be an excellent way to show them what you like when it comes to touch and stimulation (and vice versa). It is an exciting opportunity to witness your partner’s pleasure, and have them witness you (we all have a little inner voyeur/exhibitionist in us). It can also be a great way to ensure that everyone experiences just what they need or want on that day, without any pressure. When approached through the lens of mindfulness, mutual masturbation is not about ‘performing’ for each other or putting on a show; it’s a shared experience of your most natural, embodied arousal and pleasure.

Benefits of mutual masturbation

My experiences with mindful mutual masturbation have been shame busting, liberating and freeing. It’s helped me to be able to tune into my body instead of being totally disconnected and just ‘performing’ during intimacy. I remember the first time I tried it, I got completely distracted and could only focus on the sounds my partner was making! I had to really slow down to be able to pay attention to my own body – a skill that has since helped me a lot in accessing more orgasmicness in my solo-sex and partnered sex. Exploring mutual masturbation has been a deeply bonding experience with my partner: seeing/hearing him enjoy himself – and vice-versa – has brought us both a lot of happiness. I also learned a few things about what feels pleasurable for him by seeing how he touches himself – things I would never have known otherwise! Being a witness to other people’s masturbation experiences through my coaching work has been humbling and touching – it’s really quite something to just be present with someone whilst they do probably the most intimate thing in their life. If you choose to explore with your partner(s) I hope that you will be able to experience this same sense of liberation, connection and gratitude and that it forms a foundation for all your other intimate interactions.

Mutual masturbation myths

You might feel a bit of resistance to trying out mutual masturbation, and that’s totally fine – don’t let yourself be pressured into something you don’t want to do. However, there are a few myths that I’d like to give a different perspective on:


It’s ‘less than sex’ or only for people who are somehow ‘failing’ at intercourse. There is so much more to sex than penetration, and if you’re limiting yourself to that then you’re missing out on a lot of pleasurable, bonding and liberating experiences. Mutual masturbation focuses on pleasure, vulnerability and openness. It can be an amazingly horny contrast to the ‘usual routine’.


It’s not something straight couples do. This is just a bit silly isn’t it? Mutual masturbation can be shared by anyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender.


It’s just as risky as having sex in terms of pregnancy/STI’s etc. Well, not really…did you not pay attention in biology class? This is the safest sex you can have. Mutual masturbation significantly lowers the risk of STI transmission as you’re only touching yourself and not swapping fluids or engaging in genital contact with another person. However, it’s always good to be hygiene aware if you’re going to share any toys or lubrications. 

Mutual masturbation

Top tips for mutual masturbation

To ensure your shared masturbation experience is as relaxed and pleasurable as possible, I suggest that you follow these basic guidelines:

- Talk about it first

Ideally do this on a separate day to the actual shared masturbation practice. Discuss what feels vulnerable, uncomfortable and/or edgy about the idea of mutual masturbation, but also what feels exciting, intriguing and wonderful. This chat should also cover whether you’re going to be together in person, or virtually, and what boundaries, needs and desires you each have around those circumstances (e.g. if virtually: confirmation of confidentiality and no recording of the call; if in person: where, when, how long, what happens when you’re finished – cup of tea/dinner/thanks and goodbye?)

- Create an intention

This can be as simple as setting up the space with low lighting, candles, soft music etc, and preparing any toys or lube you’ll need. If you’ve agreed a length of time for your practice make sure your timer is set. This transforms an experience from ‘something that is just happening to you’ into something you are mindfully and consciously taking part in. 

- Adopt a relaxed position

To avoid going into ‘performance mode’ don’t begin by sitting/standing facing each other. Start by lying side by side or sitting back to back. If you’re doing it virtually, place the phone/laptop/tablet to the side of you so you’re not both staring at the screen. This will help you to keep your attention primarily in your own body and simply explore and enjoy masturbation in each other’s presence.

- Try out different positions

If you want to be more interactive after a while then shift position so you can be in eye contact, see and be seen. If you’ve agreed that this is a self-touch practice, keep the boundaries of the experience and don’t let it become a mutual-touch practice. But it can be great fun to move from here into something more interactive…

- Be authentic

It’s not about masturbating in a way that you think your partner wants to see – it’s about sharing your genuine way of pleasuring your body. So, if you would use toys whilst alone then include them in your shared session; if you would watch porn then do that (perhaps with headphones or the sound off if your partner usually doesn’t); if you normally touch yourself slowly and gently, don’t suddenly start hammering away for the dramatic appearance 🙂

It's a sexy learning experience

As well as being pretty horny and exciting, a shared masturbation experience might also unexpectedly show you a lot about your own patterns and way of doing things. Masturbation is very often a totally subconscious set of movements and postures that have been ingrained over a significant period of time. Most people have been doing it the same way since their teenage years. You can make some of these unconscious processes more conscious simply by having someone else present. In my online mindful masturbation course we go into more depth about how you can then use this awareness to create change in your habits, and therefore a more satisfying and healthy relationship with masturbation.

If this blog has caught your interest and you/you and your partner want to learn more about mutual masturbation check out my online courses or get in touch via email on

With Love,