A guide to lube

Reduce the friction, increase the pleasure!

What’s the best lube or lubrication to use for intimate massage and sex?

This is a question that comes up a lot in my couples coaching sessions and couples workshops. Sensual intimate massage is lots more fun if you use some oil or lubrication, so here’s my ultimate guide to lube!

Why would you use lube?

You use oil or lube during intimate massage, or any penetration of the vagina or anus, to reduce friction and prevent irritation or small tears in the delicate skin and membranes of those areas. Irritation and tears can cause pain in the moment but also afterwards, and can potentially lead to uncomfortable infections and bacterial or pH imbalances.  The vagina does naturally produce it’s own lubrication but for many different reasons (e.g. hormone levels, lack of foreplay, where you’re at in your menstrual cycle, illness, medications, previous trauma, some autoimmune diseases) ) it might not be enough. Using additional lube or oil is a great way to support your body (and your partner’s body) in having a smooth and enjoyable experience of penetration. It also means you can keep going for longer!

The anus, on the other hand, does not produce it’s own lubrication. So if you’re exploring anal massage, anal penetration, pegging or anal sex then lube is an absolute essential ingredient! Never be stingy with the lube if you’re putting something in your arse or your partner’s arse.

Your masturbation experience can also be blissfully enhanced by adding lubrication. Reducing friction and over stimulation of the sensitive genital nerve endings will help you to regulate your arousal and control ejaculation guys, and will help your vagina to relax and engorge girls.

Guide to lube

Is it normal to use lube?

Yes, it is totally normal to use lube. In a 2013 study, lubricant use was associated with higher ratings of sexual pleasure and satisfaction in both solo masturbation and partnered sexual activities. More than 9 out of 10 women in the study agreed or strongly agreed that lube made sex feel “more comfortable,” “more pleasurable,” and simply “better”(ref: Jozkowski KN, Herbenick D, Schick V, Reece M, Sanders SA, Fortenberry JD. Women’s perceptions about lubricant use and vaginal wetness during sexual activities. The journal of sexual medicine. 2013 Feb 1;10(2):484–92.)

What kinds of lube are available?

Intimate lubricants fall into four general categories:

Water based lubes

Water based lubes are generally good to use for the vagina, with sex toys and with or without condoms. However, it’s not my first choice for massage based play as it’s a bit too readily absorbed into the skin. It’s also not the best for anal massage or anal penetration as the anus doesn’t produce it’s own lubrication. My recommendations for water based lube are:

Silicone based lubes

Silicone based lubes are great for vaginal massage and penetration, for anal massage and penetration, and are safe to use with condoms. They often have a slightly thicker and silkier texture than water based which I personally prefer. It lasts longer than water based as it’s not absorbed into the skin so easily, so it’s a great option for sensual massage. Sometimes there will be a reaction if you use silicone lube with a silicone sex toy. This generally happens if the toy is not made of medical-grade silicone. To be on the safe side, always put a condom on your silicone sex toys. The downside to silicone based lube is that it can stain your sheets – be warned. My recommendations for silicone based lube are:

Oil based lubes

Oil based lubes are not compatible with latex condoms – they will cause the condom to perish and break. They fall into two categories:

NATURAL (i.e. coconut oil, olive oil) – amazing for genital massage and full body massage, can be used externally and internally.

SYNTHETIC (i.e. body lotions and creams) – ok for external massage and masturbation but really not good for internal use as they can cause irritation and infections. Generally I don’t recommend this as an option.

Oil based products are great for intimate massage as long as they’re un-perfumed (more about that later). You can go for a fancy, packaged option but I also recommend just buying a really good quality, organic, cold pressed coconut oil. It will generally be a much more cost effective option! I’m a fan of…

I tend not to use things like olive oil, sunflower oil etc as these are ‘short chain’ oils and can have a tendency to become rancid over time. Alternatives to coconut are almond or avocado oil. Bear in mind that oils, even lovely organic ones, can be irritating to the delicate pH balance of the vagina – every body is different so find the option that works for you. They’ll also stain your sheets so prepare your massage space with a towel, and don’t slosh it around too much 🙂

Hybrid lubes

Blended lube options are generally a blend of silicone and water based ingredients. They’re longer lasting than pure water based but not as thick and gloopy as some silicone based. Always do a little ‘spot test’ on any toys you’re planning on using to make sure there’s no reaction between the silicone. I recommend these mainly for vaginal penetration, not so much for intimate massage. My favourite is…

How should I use lube?

There’s nothing super technical about using lube but there are some things I’ve learned from years of experience…

Lube to avoid

The personal lubricant market is massive, and unfortunately not all the options are good. Always read the ingredients label and if any of the following appear on that list then put the bottle back…




Propylene glycol

Chlorhexidine gluconate

You may also want to avoid options that include Parabens or glycerin as these can be irritating to the vagina and anus, contributing to yeast infections and UTI’s. Please don’t use any perfumed oil based products, for the same reason.

If you have a favourite lube that I haven’t mentioned here, let me know! I’m always curious to try out new options.

To put your lubes to good use and learn how to give intimate genital massage check out my online courses!