A piece of ‘homework’ I give to a lot of the couples who come to me for sessions is ‘do not have sex for at least one week’. Some of them look at me as if to say ‘WHAT?! That’s our current situation…we’re stuck & we’re not having sex, and we want to change that… are you mad Libby?!’ This highlights one of the (I think) biggest myths about intimacy: that ‘SEX = PENETRATION’ and a ‘result’ or ‘goal’ of ejaculation and peak orgasm. So, if you only have this one-track approach to sex, of course it’s going to feel like you’re ‘failing’ if that doesn’t happen on a regular basis.

This first tip is about exploring INTIMACY without the standard goal posts, letting go of the habits, assumptions and patterns. Put the brakes on and explore without the need to achieve an outcome. What can also happen here is that when you take away the pressure of ‘having to have sex’ you can explore with more freedom and playfulness.

So, this might look like an evening of just kissing – nothing else allowed. Remember when you were a teenager and you’d snog and make out for what seemed like hours? Explore that place, make love to each other with your kisses, clothes on, nothing more ‘allowed’. This can get so hot & steamy, or really vulnerable and tender.

On day two it might evolve into touch focussed on one area of the body (specifically non-genital touch…). You might notice that your sexual energy builds – denial and limits can be such a turn on! The challenge is to not cave in, to not just go for the instant gratification.

The key factor here is to explore something simple every day, without the pressure or habit of that ‘cock in pussy’ goal. You’ll find you have to get a bit creative, you have to use some self-control but also some self-motivation to try something new.